Friday, June 10, 2005

Trust me, really.

Confidential to Little Bird:
So that necklace you gave me in high school, the one that reads “Trust” with the little gold disk that got replaced by an actual 5 yen from a friend in college, remember it? I’ve been wearing it again for the past couple of months and have been getting tons of attention for it. Just wanted you to know!

Not-so-confidential to everyone else:
The reason the necklace was given to me in high school was my “issues with trust.” After some consideration, I largely believe that my adolescent mind thought it was very dramatic and somewhat romantic to claim that I was hiding behind all these “walls” and “held people at arm’s length,” which was actually a claim that survived well into my early twenties, for reasons unknown to reality.

Truth be told, I trust easily. Probably too easily, if some of my last few relationships are any example. Actually, they’re kind of a perfect example: I want people to be good people and I want them to be good for me even when it is absolutely clear to everyone that they are not. This mostly applies to men I’ve dated, but has also applied to friends, both men and women in the past.

Mr. Stupidhead was a perfect example. Despite red flags a-waving all over the place, I doggedly stuck with it until he ended it because either I had some weird need to be with someone or I just didn’t want to admit that I had picked a loser. Sneaker loser, excuse me.

Roche and I had a long discussion a few weeks ago about becoming friends and how things went so awry with the two of us. He explained that he just knew things weren’t going to work out and while we agreed that way he went about explaining that to me was completely f***ed up, I found myself envying his clarity of thought. He had the ability to figure out that things weren’t going to work and cut his losses. I probably would have stuck with it until an even bitterer end. Must be the Taurus in me. Argh.

I’m not sure where all this introspection is coming from—perhaps it’s the recent realization that things can be good and normal and that my trust is being placed in someone who deserves it. It’s a nice change, really. Well, on the relationship front at least. My friends have always kicked ass.

Quote of the Day: “High up above or down below/when you're too in love to let it go/but if you never try, you'll never know/just what you're worth/lights will guide you home/and ignite your bones/and I will try to fix you.” Fix You, Coldplay

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